No one under the age of thirty should feel as old as I do right at this moment. It is amazing to me that I can be in denial about turning 28 and yet I feel seasoned in life, though none the wiser for having lived it. The older I get the more confused I feel.

I made the fatal mistake of watching “Newsies” tonight. WOW. that movie came out when I was five and I had only a handful of memories from the few times that I saw it.

1) I knew there was something related to Doogie Howser on there. It had to do with one of the actors.

2) The main character was not the cutest boy there.

3) It was exciting and action-packed.

4) It was such an intense show. I got massive anxiety attacks from it, more than from the usual flicks.

5) I liked it.

Boy oh boy do things look different through the lens of adulthood! For one thing, how did I not notice the absolute concourses of boys in that flick? Or feel the “Mary Poppins-esk” film style? Since when was Bill Pullman in that movie? Christian Bale?! Seriously?! Batman as an orphan who dreams of going to Santa Fe for no apparent reason?! And can anyone say HOKEY! Don’t get me wrong, I love that stinkin’ flick. Search me as to why, (although anyone who can get that many boys to dance in unison and at least appear to be enjoying it deserves of a metal of some kind.)

My biggest mistake was going back in time after 10pm. Never do that. It is just asking for trouble. I started looking up some of the actors in the movie to see what else they might have been in and where they are now. Sadly, a lot of them didn’t work on any other movies or television after that and many of them died young. Their pictures on IMDB were all so 80’s-chic. It blows my mind when I remember that at one point I fell for all that 80’s stuff as much as anyone. But, then again, I was young and innocent.

I find myself overwhelmed at the sight of cast members having been in “Growing Pains”, “Punky Brewster”, “Mr. Belvedere”, “Step by Step” and yes, “Doogie Howser”. Talk about some years of my life that were all but forgotten. And let’s not even touch “The Wonder Years” with a forty-foot pole. As a child, I wondered how they filmed that kid’s life without him noticing, let alone how he remembered what he had been thinking at every moment in time. And his Dad was so terrifying! I’m amazed none of the actors were in “Who’s the Boss?” But they make up for it with one episode each of “Magnum PI” and “MacGyver” - two faces which will be forever etched on my mind, no matter how hard I may try to forget them.

I don’t know exactly where I am going with this except to say that I am freaking out. 99% of the time I feel like my entire life is ahead of me. But every once in a while, on a night like tonight, I wonder where the last 28 years have gone, and what I might have done with them. What have I done since “Doogie” started talking about “How I Met Your Mother” and “Luke Brower” drowned in the “Titanic”?

The only thing I can say for myself, definitively, is that I have learned a lot since “Punky Brewster” stopped being the epitome of how I saw myself. At least, I hope so. The older I get, the more my questions out-way the answers i have found. I feel that, at any moment, everything I think I know could be blown out of the water - like earlier tonight when I realized that, “Christian Bale is BRITISH?! REALLY?!” Or when I read that “Newsies” bombed at the box office. In my mind it was, and had always been, an un-refuted classic. I guess that is the power of limited time in a biased environment. (My family likes musicals and always seemed to enjoy “Newsies”.)

Well anyway. My one hope is that I will wake up tomorrow and, rather than be stuck looking back to the time that I may or may not have lost, I will be dreaming about where I will be, what I will have accomplished and what scheme I will be onto “Someday”. What is it that Prof. Harold Hill says in “The Music Man”?

“Oh, my dear little librarian. You pile up enough tomorrows, and you’ll find you are left with nothing but a lot of empty yesterdays. I don’t know about you, but I’d like to make today worth remembering”

I hope I haven’t piled up too many empty yesterdays and that I can still look forward to some pretty amazing tomorrows. I imagine everyone feels that way sometimes. I can just picture a Wiki page about me. (My, how times have changed!) I would hope it would have something to say about my having done something notable with my life. Even if all it could say was that I was a good person who did the best she could throughout her life, that would be wonderful.

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I just wanted to say a quick hello and Happy Easter to everyone.

I don’t have much to say today because my mind is a mass of jumbled thought this week, and I really need to take advantage of the time that I have to work on my book now. But, I wanted to say how very much I love each of you and how grateful I am for what Easter means. This year, especially, I am reminded of the atonement of Christ and all that it does to save me from myself on a constant basis. It blesses me with the opportunity to be forgiven by the Lord and others when I do wrong. It helps me to love and understand others. It helps me to grow and change for the better with every passing day. It enables me to become a better wife and mother; a better friend and family member; a better neighbor and a more true disciple of the Lord. It blesses me with faith sufficient to press forward and the ability to look at each sunrise knowing that I can press on, leaving the past where it belongs: in the past. It frees me from a constant sense of being alone and gives me a vision for the future. It allows me to see the possibilities of life and eternity. It heals me, comforts me and restores my aching heart and weary mind. It empowers me to be all that I wish to be and gives me hope that I will become all my potential intends.

I pray that I will strive with all my might to reach my goals and aspirations and that the Savior will help me in this. (Well, really I know he’ll help me, I just hope I’ll make it so he can.)

I love my family and my friends so much and feel so grateful for them. They are a blessing without measure. I am grateful for the quiet example of those around me; for kind neighbors and polite strangers; for those who choose to forgive and see me for who I am now rather than who I used to be, and for those who see into my heart and support the person that I truly am. I am blessed beyond belief and I am more grateful for all of this than I can describe. It’s not the most eloquent post I’ve ever written, or the best edited, but it’s sincere and I hope that as you read it you will feel of that sincerity.

Our family sends you all the love we possess. May your lives be blessed with peace, joy, hope, gratitude and happiness this Easter Sunday.

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I have had the strangest week.

I found out recently that someone who I have known nearly my entire life passed away nearly two weeks ago. It hit me hard, not because we were close, but because we weren’t. I have always wanted to be friends with this young man, but I never had the bravery to do it. The most cruel irony of the situation is that I looked him up on facebook around the day that he died, (not knowing the situation, of course) and, true to form, I chickened out. I didn’t add him. What was my problem?! We’ve known each other for about 27 years. We went to Kindergarten together, Junior High, High School, we even attended the same church congregation for over 16 years! We live in the same town, know tons of the same people and, as I look back on it, he was a fairly decent guy. Sure, has always intimidated me, but I am sure that it wasn’t conscious.

This young man is a classic example of most of the people who I knew during my youth. Granted, I had an undiagnosed anxiety disorder until I was 21 years old and married but, I still wish that I could have been more courageous. (A selfish fear of rejection is at the heart of this problem, not my tendency towards excessive worry.)

I knew another young man like him when I moved from my hometown to the next town over, at the age of 16. He scared me to death. He wasn’t mean or deplorable. The problem was that he was quite the opposite. He was funny, confident, friendly, popular and his best friend happened to be the boy I had a crush on at the time. By some strange twist of fate, we were thrown together in a car every morning for nearly a year; carpooling to college.

Like an idiot, I couldn’t think of anything to say to him. (Poor guy! He must have thought I hated him.) Day after day passed. I thought of a thousand things to say, but none of them seemed earth-shattering enough to be of potential interest to him. So, I kept my mouth shut 99% of the time. I think I was so boring that he started giving his friend rides as well - just so that someone would talk during the 45-minute drive. I’m not sure if this made the situation better or worse. (Though I’m not entirely sure that ‘dowhill’ was a direction which was open to us at that point. Things could only get better.) Still, I got to know him and his friend. I don’t know if he ever grew to think of me in even a remotely fond way at that time, but I desperately wanted to count him as a friend. It wasn’t until he left the country for two years, on an LDS mission, that I tried. I wrote to him and somehow, for the first time in my life, one of the most terrifyingly impressive people I had ever met became my friend.

In my adult life, I have tried to be brave enough to get to know people like him. My husband could almost be put into that category. (How we came to be is mystifying to me at times.) I tried to press forward with my life, (ya know, like everyone tells you to) and I thought that I was at peace with High School; looking full-on to the future. My husband and I bought a house in my hometown (not what I had been planning on) and I figured that the people I saw in church and at the grocery store were it. I was home-free and past couldn’t touch me. The only goal now was to get to know new people and be brave enough to do things right the first time with them.

I joined facebook and added a few people who I figured must not know me from Eve (on a good day). I even tried for some of the 1500 terrifying people who I went to High School with and, thinking that I had connected myself to a web of people who facebook must surely suggest me to now, I waited. A few people added me, which was nice. I added some even though I was still a little nervous. Then, news of this first young man’s passing reached me.

His death has triggered in me a much needed reappraisal of my life and who I have become. There are SO many things that I have not thought about for years. I have always wanted to be friendly and outgoing; loving and accepting of everyone. I have always wanted to understand those around me. But, for some reason, I could never break through and make it happen. I could never figure out what was wrong with me; that no one ever seemed to reach out and take me by the hand of friendship. (It probably had something to do with the fact that my natural personality is one more inclined to do the reaching. Isn’t it a pain when other people won’t make up for you refusing to use your natural talents/gifts?)

I often found myself wondering if there was either something very right with me, or very wrong with me. But the truth of the thing is this: people are people. All of us know some things and don’t know others. No one knows everything and everyone feels that all of the people around them know something that they don’t- like they’re the one person who didn’t get the memo on life. That was what I didn’t understand. Everyone else is faking it until they make it, just like me. Everyone has people who capture their attention and who they want to be around, and other people who they like just fine. (They just don’t worry about or focus on those people so much because they’re not scary.)

I focused on EVERYONE because they ALL scared the pants off of me and, for some inexplicable reason, I care about each and every one of them. It’s in my nature to simply care about other people. I begin to care about them before I even know them. I don’t have a right to, I just…do. I can’t help it. Perhaps this makes me the freak of all the universe, but I hope not. The problem with this…(let’s call it a “gift” cause I happen to like that about me right now)… gift is that when other people don’t care back openly; when their lives aren’t focused on me; when their minds are focused on their own problems (heaven forbid people should take care of their own lives, as though not everything is about me), (please, I beg of you to note the heavy sarcasm), it hurts. It has always hurt because I have always let it. I didn’t realize that I have a gift for being the first one to care about other people and the last one to care if they don’t understand why.How can you embrace a gift when you don’t even know that you have it?

Now, I know you must be wondering where i am going with all this and what the epiphany or existential break-through is. Well, maybe it’s not worth much to anyone other than me, but I think I have finally figured it out. I just am what I am. I love people and I am insecure. I want to be a person who changes the world just by being in it and I am deeply flawed. I am a person who is inclined to share her thoughts and feelings and the same one whose thoughts and feelings are so different from those of the people around her that she can’t relate, no matter how much she wants to. So fine, I’m “weird”. (As 90% of the girls in my elementary school put it.) But you know what else? I have decided that I am pretty cool too. I am a person worth knowing. (Or at least that is my firm hope.)

So, last week, got on facebook and I searched out approx. 10 people who are on my “Chicken List” (they scare me because I like them and want them to like me back) and I requested their friendship. It turns out that I wasn’t as connected as I thought. Numerous people have popped up as “friend suggestions” and this time, I’m not waiting. I’m adding people back into my life with gratitude in my heart for some form of a second chance. If they choose not to be my friends, that’s alright. I don’t mind. Anything is better than getting to the end of my life and realizing that I could have been so much more than I am, if only I had tried.

As it turns out, the young man who passed on recently had been fond of me in Kindergarten. He used to tease me and I (not understanding sarcasm at that point in my life) thought that he hated me. I had cried to my mother about it, and she had spoken to my teacher, who had in turn told her that I was mistaken. Everyone had tried to convince me, but there was a wall in my mind which stood there, blocking the path and telling me that it just couldn’t be true.

When I think of the fact that we could have been friends for all these years, I feel sick. How many conversations did we NOT have? How many jokes did we NOT tell? How many times could I have been the one who helped him when he was down, or benefited from his help towards me? My heart hurts when I think of the friend that I lost because I never built up the courage to extend the hand of friendship in the first place. I hope that I am wiser now and that the future holds a life free from the regret which in born from not becoming who I am meant to be.

Much love, peace and happiness is my wish for all of you. May your life become what it is meant to be and so much more as well,

Amberlee

(PS- I am totally freaking out about hitting “Publish”. “Bahk, bahk, bahk-gaw!” You’re all on my “Chicken List” right now.) Here goes nothin’…

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So, you may be wondering what we’ve been up to in the past year. Obviously I can’t fill all of it in, but here are the highlights:

Lily and Sammy are doing well, though they resent sharing my attention with the new baby. Sammy, in particular, has become more obedient, but they will both come when I call. They know their names, which is pretty cool and they are just as loving as ever. Sammy is toning down his playfulness. I can tell that he is approaching his adult years. (Finally! I love him but he is rambunctious as the day is long!)

Will was born in August, one day before my birthday. Best Birthday present ever! And the best part of it was that I wasn’t diabetic on my birthday. (They fed me cheesecake!) He is a dear, sweet baby and we love him so much! We suspect that he has had colic, which is no fun. Aside from some issues with gaining enough weight, his health has been excellent. It’s a true blessing. I don’t know about the other people who were around, but labor and delivery were pretty easy this time. I just did my best to relax and let things happen. He was born fast and I recovered much more quickly with him than my first baby.

Ben is loving his new brother, though he wishes they could run and play together already. His world has been expanded by starting preschool too. He’s a little too fond of television and playing games on the Wii right now, but it’s not too hard to get him to play. The biggest problem is that he’s bored and lonely.

Matt switched jobs last year and has been with his current employer for almost exactly one year now. The commute is long and he is incredibly tired. But, he works with good people and, from what he tells me, he enjoys the work. We look forward to moving closer to work in the future, but for now there is a big distance staring him in the face 5 days a week.

I am tired. that’s pretty much it. My back has been going out regularly, which I expected with a little baby, but I am trying to maximize the times when my body is functioning the way it is supposed to. I have been delinquent in working on my book for several months and am only coming back to it just now. But, I am enjoying it a lot now that I am back in the groove of things.

As a family, we have been working to improve our home and become better, stronger people. We’ve been deep cleaning our home and getting rid of a lot of things. We have some new, more efficient furniture that has replaced the older, less comfortable things. We finally turned our office into a playroom and put the office out in the livingroom. This may well be the best decision we’ve made since we became homeowners. Thank heaven, the toys now stay in the playroom most of the time and the rest of the house is SO much easier to maintain. We’ve been working hard to improve our relationships. It has been really good. There is more peace and happiness in our home now. I am so grateful for it.

We miss and love everyone and wish that we could see you all more. We hope that your lives are treating you well. You are all in our thoughts and prayers.

Love,

The Hildebrands

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I just realized that it has been over a year since I last posted on here. I knew it had been a while, but this is a little ridiculous. I find myself asking why it is that I haven’t written in so long. At first I thought, “Well, I was pregnant and sick, then pregnant and not sick, then a new sleep-deprived Mommy who didn’t even have time to work on her book.” But the more I think about it, the more I realize that’s not it. I thought about posting a lot of times. I just, didn’t do it. It occurred to me that I may simply have been devoid of anything to say. But, I have a lot to say. Then I wondered if I’m afraid to say it. Nope, not that either. Finally, I realized that I am weary of contention. I can hold my own just fine, but man, am I ever sick of feeling like I have to fight for the right to feel the way I feel and think the way I think. I feel like I have to apologize for being female and emotional, for having to operate my life in spite of my anxiety disorder, and for maintaining my faith. I don’t know why, but I find myself feeling tired at the mere thought of asserting any views that I have.

I have a life to take care of. I have children who I love with all my heart. They need me to focus my energies on them. I have a husband with heavy burdens to bear who needs my support and I have a home that needs my attention. I have precious little time and energy to spare from what matters the most to me. I don’t have time to argue with people who have closed ears. (Although, I do wish I had a nickel for every time that a narrow-minded person has stereo-typed me as narrow-minded. Like, because I believe what I believe, I must not have thought it through.)

It seems as though the whole world is going mad. The older I get the more unraveled it all becomes. I’m tired of trying to swim upstream. So, I’ve been taking shelter in my own safe little pool off to the side. Rather than trying to convince someone else’s child of my view, I am raising my children the best I know how. Rather than writing to the cosmos, I write in my book and I keep it private. Rather than attempting to right what is wrong with the world, I am trying to right what is wrong with me.

Now, all that being said, I just want to say, to those who I know DO listen to me: Thank you. I genuinely appreciate you. Knowing you are there is what makes life sane again. And don’t worry, I plan on saying more this year than I did last year. (Though you may end up reading more about dirty diapers and dishes than the inner workings of my philosophical heart.)

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I am very tired, so please bare with me. There seemed to be someone, (be it a character from one of my books, or a real piece of myself, I’m not sure which), saying this in my head. So, I figured I’d get it down and hopefully be able to settle in for the night after that. I hope it makes as much sense to a fully-rested brain as it does to my poor sleep-deprived one.

“Everyone has their vices and I am no different. It seems that my main vice these days is sleep-deprivation. What I mean by that is that I am prone to stay awake long after the opportunity for rest has presented itself. There is nothing more frustrating than being too tired to decide that you ought to go off to bed. It is the way with all things which require discipline to secure. So often we have the opportunity to do good for ourselves, but we feel nearly incapable of using those opportunities to their full advantage.

I, personally, end up so tired that I give up and simply decide that trying to roust myself is more taxing than simply waiting through the chance for rest. But I think that we all do it in little ways. For instance, being so discouraged about weight loss that we simply eat whatever we wish. Or feeling so indebted that we spend money to make ourselves feel better. Perhaps even trying to run from our emotional wounds by pretending that they do not afflict us, rather than seeking comfort. We have all done each of these things, I am sure, at one time or another. Such weakness is so hard to avoid.

My greatest sense of personal shame is when I realize that my vices have hurt the people I love. Myself included. I ought to care enough about myself, enough about the person God has created, to care for her more steadfastly. I hate feeling cross or unable to exhibit the highest amount of self-control which I am truly capable of and yet exhaustion brings these consequences along with it.

I wish every day could be my best day. There is a dazzling, wonderful person inside of me who shakes her head and whispers “tisk, tisk” to my weaker side. Every time I let some small thing pass, she grows more impatient with me. I can’t blame her. It makes perfect sense to be frustrated with someone whom you know to be capable of so much more than they are currently achieving.

People seem to say things such as: “If you ever want to feel better about yourself, just watch Jerry Springer or Cops.” That doesn’t work for me. I then begin to feel the weight of what this world is coming to. The sorrow of so many wandering souls who yearn for guidance and peace, but who cannot seem to find it weighs upon my soul. I grow even more impatient with myself that I am not using all that God as blessed me with to the best advantage.

There is some hope, I suppose, it choosing to look after those for whom I care most deeply. Many a tear has been shed upon my pillow while praying for a friend in pain. I wish that I could heal the sorrows of those who enter my life. I cannot imagine feeling any other way. I have been told that I love others very much, but it is selfish at the heart of things. I love because I cannot help it. I care too much. Trying to concern myself with my own affairs, and mine alone, is foreign and crippling to me by nature. Turning my energies towards my own affairs is far more difficult than assisting someone I love.

Perhaps, the Lord asks us to love and serve one another in the knowledge that the burdens of others are often more easily born than our own. Perhaps, if we all cared for others, and they for us in return, the weight of this life would become light to us all. I can only imagine such a glorious world, for I am hardly fit to live there, selfish as I am, but I hope one day to see something so beautiful working before my own two eyes. “

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This is from an online article that Matt shared with me a while back. Last Thursday, we were at a pool when a 4-year old girl drowned. She died in the hospital Friday evening. We attended her funeral on Thursday of this week. I was grateful to realize that my own little 4-year old had been safely tended to by three attentive adults that day. This poor girl was under water for 3-4 minutes before anyone noticed her. Seeing the reaction of her Mother tore my heart out. No one should have to experience those feelings. Please, read through the article. It is not very long, but it is extremely informative and may help you to save someone’s life one day:

The new captain jumped from the cockpit, fully dressed, and sprinted through the water. A former lifeguard, he kept his eyes on his victim as he headed straight for the owners who were swimming between their anchored sportfisher and the beach. “I think he thinks you’re drowning,” the husband said to his wife. They had been splashing each other and she had screamed but now they were just standing, neck-deep on the sand bar. “We’re fine, what is he doing?” she asked, a little annoyed. “We’re fine!” the husband yelled, waving him off, but his captain kept swimming hard. ”Move!” he barked as he sprinted between the stunned owners. Directly behind them, not ten feet away, their nine-year-old daughter was drowning. Safely above the surface in the arms of the captain, she burst into tears, “Daddy!”

How did this captain know, from fifty feet away, what the father couldn’t recognize from just ten? Drowning is not the violent, splashing, call for help that most people expect. The captain was trained to recognize drowning by expertise and years of experience. The father, on the other hand, had learned what drowning looks like by watching television. If you spend time on or near the water (hint: that’s all of us) then you should make sure that you and your crew knows what to look for whenever people enter the water. Until she cried a tearful, “Daddy,” she hadn’t made a sound. As a former Coast Guard rescue swimmer, I wasn’t surprised at all by this story. Drowning is almost always a deceptively quiet event. The waving, splashing, and yelling that dramatic conditioning (television) prepares us to look for, is rarely seen in real life.

The Instinctive Drowning Response – so named by Francesco A. Pia, Ph.D.,  is what people do to avoid actual or perceived suffocation in the water.  And it does not look like most people expect.  There is very little splashing, no waving, and no yelling or calls for help of any kind.  To get an idea of just how quiet and undramatic from the surface drowning can be, consider this:  It is the number two cause of accidental death in children, age 15 and under (just behind vehicle accidents) – of the approximately 750 children who will drown next year, about 375 of them will do so within 25 yards of a parent or other adult.  In ten percent of those drownings, the adult will actually watch them do it, having no idea it is happening (source: CDC).  Drowning does not look like drowning – Dr. Pia, in an article in the Coast Guard’s On Scene Magazine, described the instinctive drowning response like this:

1. Except in rare circumstances, drowning people are physiologically unable to call out for help. Th e respiratory system was designed for breathing. Speech is the secondary or overlaid function. Breathing must be fulfilled, before speech occurs.
2. Drowning people’s mouths alternately sink below and reappear above the surface of the water. The mouths of drowning people are not above the surface of the water long enough for them to exhale, inhale, and call out for help. When the drowning people’s mouths are above the surface, they exhale and inhale quickly as their mouths start to sink below the surface of the water.
3. Drowning people cannot wave for help. Nature instinctively forces them to extend their arms laterally and press down on the water’s surface. Pressing down on the surface of the water, permits drowning people to leverage their bodies so they can lift their mouths out of the water to breathe.
4. Throughout the Instinctive Drowning Response, drowning people cannot voluntarily control their arm movements. Physiologically, drowning people who are struggling on the surface of the water cannot stop drowning and perform voluntary movements such as waving for help, moving toward a rescuer, or reaching out for a piece of rescue equipment.
5. From beginning to end of the Instinctive Drowning Response people’s bodies remain upright in the water, with no evidence of a supporting kick. Unless rescued by a trained lifeguard, these drowning people can only struggle on the surface of the water from 20 to 60 seconds before submersion occurs.

(Source: On Scene Magazine: Fall 2006)

This doesn’t mean that a person that is yelling for help and thrashing isn’t in real trouble – they are experience aquatic distress. Not always present before the instinctive drowning response, aquatic distress doesn’t last long – but unlike true drowning, these victims can still assist in there own rescue.  They can grab lifelines, throw rings, etc.

Look for these other signs of drowning when persons are n the water:

• Head low in the water, mouth at water level
• Head tilted back with mouth open
• Eyes glassy and empty, unable to focus
• Eyes closed
• Hair over forehead or eyes
• Not using legs – Vertical
• Hyperventilating or gasping
• Trying to swim in a particular direction but not making headway
• Trying to roll over on the back
• Ladder climb, rarely out of the water.

So if a crew member falls overboard and every looks O.K. – don’t be too sure.  Sometimes the most common indication that someone is drowning is that they don’t look like they’re drowning.  They may just look like they are treading water and looking up at the deck.  One  way to be sure?  Ask them: “Are you alright?” If they can answer at all – they probably are.  If they return  a blank stare – you may have less than 30 seconds to get to them.  And parents: children playing in the water make noise. When they get quiet, you get to them and find out why.

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I just thought I’d share the funny song that is in my head today. Read the whole thing, it’s not what you expect.

The itsy bitsy spider climbed up the water spout

Down came the rain and washed the spider out

Up came the sun and dried up all the rain

And the itsy bitsy spider climbed up the spout again.

This little spider reminds me of you

He’s dark and hairy and his eyes are blue

Got into things he wasn’t supposed to

And I had no choice but to get the shoe

And I killed him; It was a terrible thing to do

But sometimes a girl’s got to follow through

And I think I’m gonna leave him, hangin’ on the wall

‘Cause he reminds me of you, after all

By Nancy Hansen

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I am sad to announce the passing of two loyal friends who have lived with our family for over 5 years. Oink and Blanco, both goldfish bred as feeder fish, came to live with Matt and I shortly after our marriage. It was soon enough after our marriage that we still lived in our first apartment, in Pleasant Grove. My cousin, who is very much an animal lover, needed a home for nine goldfish whom he had purchased as feeders. Somehow, they continued to survive, which is unusual for that type of fish. Knowing that I had kept fish before, he asked if we could take them in. We agreed.

By the time we moved out of our apartment and into our home in April of 2005, two of our little friends had passed away. The 20 gallon tank that we owned would not fit nine 4-inch goldfish in comfort. They barely had room to swim. So, we bought a 40 gallon tank (if memory serves correctly) and moved the remaining seven fish into our new home. Sadly, they outgrew the space again. Two more of them passed away. In frustration, desperation, and a bit of naivete, we purchased a 76 gallon tank and drove the massive beast home from Sandy. Our five remaining fish made it their new home for some time, and lived quite comfortably surrounded by Roman Columns and a stunning background which looked like ruins.

Then, in February of 2006, we attended the wedding reception of a friend. The centerpieces on the tables were fish bowls with little goldfish in them. At the end of the reception, they had nowhere for the poor things to live. So, in mercy, we took them in. However, being so small, we knew that our now 5-inch fish would eat them. So, we bought a breeding net for the little guys and hoped for the best. Days later, all of the little fish died of natural causes, and  shortly thereafter, they took three of our remaining large fish with them. (One of whom had already developed a small tumor on his side.) Ironically, we had worried for the wrong fish. Sadly, we dug a hole in our backyard and buried the poor souls.

This left two large fish swimming around in our giant 76 gallon tank alone. At last, we bothered to name them. Blanco had turned pure white from lack of sunshine (common among goldfish) and Oink was the biggest food hog we had ever owned. (As many people know, ‘Blanco’ means ‘White’ in Spanish. Due to debate over Blanco’s gender the name “Blanca’ was bestowed off and on as well.)

There they have lived for the past 4 years delighting every child who enters our home. Due to natural causes, they passed this week. We will miss them very much. Oink, who grew larger than any of our other fish, topped out at 9-11 inches. He was a beautiful orange and had large ornamental fins. (I must admit that he was always my favorite.) Blanco came in second at 7-9 inches from nose to the tip of his tail.

According to Wikipedia: “Goldfish may grow to a maximum length of 23 inches (58 cm) and a maximum weight of 9.9 pounds (4 kg) although this is rare; most individual goldfish grow to under half this size. In optimal conditions, goldfish may live more than 40 years; however, most household goldfish generally live six to eight years.”

Oink and Blanco had a good run. Due to their size, they will not be buried at sea as so many beloved goldfish are. (Even a house with proper plumbing, which I am not convinced we have, could never handle these two giants.) Rather, they will be buried with their comrades in our backyard. Rest In Peace Oink and Blanco.  Thank you for being such loyal friends for all these years. Our hearts are with you.

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This is the posting of a delinquent blogger. I just haven’t had much to say in a while. I’ve been so sick with this pregnancy that I only had enough energy to deal with feeling ill. I apologize for the delay in updating ya’ll. I would sit here and promise that it won’t happen again, but I think we all know better than to believe that.

Let me see. What is new is our world…..

Ben is doing well, despite having thrown up in the night. I think there is a stomach bug going around the County. Households are dropping like flies in the face of it, although I have not heard of anyone staying sick for more than a day. Ben seems well enough today. I hope he really is. Cleaning up after him broke my two-week “no puking” streak. I don’t want to put off starting a new streak.

Ben is EXTREMELY excited to be a big brother. Life is very boring for him right now. He is generally stuck at home with boring old Mom, who spends all her time being sick, cooking, checking her blood sugar and cleaning things. Not much fun for a 3-year old. His favorite day of the week is Tuesday; when we go to visit his best friend Quinten. On the up side, the weather has been nice enough that Ben has been playing outside A LOT.

Ben is also anticipating his 4th birthday (and has been since Christmas.) He has figured out that Christmas and Birthdays are when you get toys. Every day he reports the latest desire of his heart. The list is getting long. Luckily, he doesn’t remember most of what is on it. Ben has also become aware that the baby will not come until he is over 4 years old. Yet another reason to wish for the day.

Lily and Sammy are doing well. I find them somewhat pesky, but that is because they follow me everywhere I go and lick my feet. However, at their vet appointment a couple of weeks ago, they both got a clean bill of health. I’m grateful for that. Both cats had a birthday on St. Patrick’s Day. (We don’t know either of their birthdays, but we do know what month they were born. So, we just put it on the nearest holiday.) Sammy turned 1-year old and Lily turned 3. Sammy is gaining on Lily weight and length wise. In fact, width wise he has surpassed her. The vet is convinced that he is consuming the bulk of the food.

The one thing I feel bad about is that I can’t let them outside. The neighbors have bad allergies and my cats seem to gravitate towards their home. So, they’re stuck inside. Sammy is particularly peeved at the circumstance. He has tried many times to orchestrate a prison break, but to no avail. At least they are getting along with each other now. (That only took 10 months.) They’ve even taken to playing with each other, which is a relief since we got Sammy to keep Lily company. Now when we leave town or are gone for most of the day the cats have each other to turn top for companionship. Granted, she acts likes a spoiled teenage princess and he acts like any pesky little brother, but they seem content in their roles now.

Matt is doing well. He started a new job in February. He is doing QA work, which is his strong suit and he is working with a friend as his supervisor. The company is small, which caters to his personality better than the large company he was working for before. Some of the perks are gone, but he seems happier to go to work every day. So, that’s good. The company Matt works for is in Salt Lake City up near the airport. So, he has quite the commute. (Anywhere from 1 hour to 2 1/2 hours depending on traffic.) This has made for long hours and Matt is definitely tired. But, within a few years we hope to move north somewhat and that should make things easier. The salary at Matt’s new job is much higher than his last one and for the first time since we got married it feels like we might actually be able to move into a bigger house someday.

The company that Matt works for finds lost packages for carriers. (IE FedEx, UPS, etc. That type of place.) Sometimes packages get lost in the system or the bar-code gets damaged, etc. So, his company matches up lost packages with the people who never got them. Matt works with the IT Department. He is the entire QA team who checks the work of the developers on their software. It is different for us, because Matt has always worked for software companies before. This company is just a regular company with an IT division. So, the culture is different. I think he is in with a good company and the best part is that he is in his first leadership position. That is really good for his resume. He has a natural talent for leadership and I think he’ll do well there.

The other fun thing that has been going on is that one of Matt’s closest friends is getting married this Saturday. We went to dinner with the two of them. She is such a sweet girl. We’re both really excited.

I guess that means we’re down to me. Well, in case you didn’t know, I am pregnant and due in September. So are two of my sisters. One is due the 17th, one the 21st and me on the 25th. My Mother is hoping that we don’t all deliver on the same day. At the end of it, there will be 13 grandkids in our family. It’s fun that we all live within 10 minutes of each other. Now I am just chomping at the bit for my brother to move back from Montreal. (He is studying to become a Pediatric ICU doctor. He only has a year or two left if my information is correct.) I miss him.

I have been diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes. I was quite sick for the first 4 months of the pregnancy and spent a lot of time in bed. I am feeling much better now, but I am into the stage of constant aches and pains. Add to the fun the fact my back is having troubles and you’ve really got something. I think the weight of the baby has put a strain on it.

The diet that they have put me on has caused me to lose a fair amount of weight - which I am eternally grateful for. I have been fighting the battle of the bulge for over five years now with little success. I have been worried about becoming pregnant with the extra weight. I was dieting before I got pregnant and managed to push the scale down to about 211. Since the pregnancy began I have gotten down to 203 and I have maintained that weight ever since. I keep losing weight and baby keeps gaining weight. That makes a grand total of 22 lbs that I have lost in the last 6 months. I hope to stay on the diet after the baby comes until I have lost all the weight that I need to. Right now, I am thin enough that my wedding ring falls off my hand at night and I have started having to take it off before I go to sleep. I have nearly lost it in the sink, the bathtub, the clothes-washer and the garbage. (Yipes!) Yes, I need it re-sized, but until I am done losing weight I don’t want to pay for that.

I took a 4-month sabbatical from my book due to feeling to sick to think straight. But, recently I have come back strong. I am now typing the rough draft for book 2 in the series. I am currently in the middle of chapter 13. There are 12 books total that I am planning on already. So, I have a long ways to go. I plan to finish the rough drafts for all 12 books and then go back and edit them all before submitting them to publishers. I want to be well coordinated and prepared. I freeze in the face of deadlines.

Ben and I are slowly taming the house and the yard, which is good. I am annoyed at all of the things that I can’t do while I’m pregnant, but a sweet little baby is totally worth it. We find out the gender this Wednesday. I’m getting pretty excited. We are not really routing for either gender, but I must admit that my instincts say “girl”. The only reason I say that is that I keep accidentally referring to the baby as a girl. Right now, we call the baby “Peanut”. Ben loves peanut. He’ll talk to my tummy and act like he is hugging the baby a couple of times a day. It is terribly cute. He is learning how to deal with babies too. He is very careful around them. I just hope that all of my children are as wonderful as Ben. I couldn’t ask for a better child.

Well, that’s it I think. The only other thing on my mind is that with the nice weather we’ve been having I am craving a vacation and I can’t go anywhere. I am sort of hoping that my parents decide to go camping somewhere close to home this summer so that I can visit them during the day and sleep in my own back-easing bed at night. I still find myself craving a trip to Denver, Oregon or Deep Creek, but I am trying to think of fun things like Barbecue picnics and playing board games that are actually obtainable as a consolation prize.

All of our love to you and your families. We miss and love each of you and hope to see you soon.

Love,

Matt, Amberlee, Ben, Baby, Lily and Sammy Hildrebrand

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